Goodbyes are hard

Goodbye. I hate it. I hate saying goodbye, be it to friends, family or a significant other. Some goodbyes are easier. Saying goodbye to your friends when they leave for new places, that’s probably the easiest. It sucks and you miss them but it doesn’t hurt as much deep inside you. Goodbye to family, that’s harder. You love them and they’re a constant part of your life. It’s hard to say goodbye because you’re going to miss them so much, but you know you’ll always have them in your life and that you’ll see them soon enough.
Goodbye to your partner. Now that one, is the one I put at the top of the list. That goodbye hurts down to your soul and it festers, leaving you hurting and vulnerable. There are so many sides, so many dimensions to saying goodbye to your partner.
There’s the things you realise will be no more:
Their stuff won’t be your room anymore. It won’t be ‘our’ room, it will become ‘your room’. Their clothes, shoes, bags, knickknacks and personal belongings aren’t a part of your life anymore. And you miss those things. You miss doing their laundry every week, you miss having to rifle through their things to find yours. 
The bed changes. It’s your bed now. There isn’t the extra weight, you can’t feel their presence, you can’t hear their slow breathing as they fall asleep. There isn’t anyone to roll into and snuggle with. There’s no fight for space or blankets.
No more holding hands as you walk down the street.
No more quick kisses.
No more tickles.
No more hugs.
No one to lay tangled up with on the couch.
No more faces pressed to chests for tight cuddles.
No one to come home to and rant about your day.
No one to kiss goodnight.
No one to kiss goodbye in the morning.
No more sex. No intimate sex, no quickies, no experimental. Nothing.
Those are the physical things, the things that you notice very quickly. Those are the things in your every day life that are abruptly ripped from you. And it hurts.
Then there’s the emotional side. The side effects, I guess you could call them.
The emptiness. The glaring lack of them in your life. It’s like everywhere you go, there’s a space and it’s shaped exactly like them and it’s empty and you want more than anything to fill it. But you can’t. They’re not there and you have to deal with it.
There’s a hollow feeling, that creeps into your heart, into your soul. It hurts, it hurts like every second. That part of yourself that you gave to your partner, that part of you has been ripped out for them to take with them. And every moment you feel the fresh ache of it being taken from you.

I write like I’ve felt this before. I have. I’ve said goodbye and it was horrible. The days seemed longer and the pain was all consuming. And this time, it will be worse because I know what’s coming. I know what is going to happen. Only this time, it will be worse because we’ve been together longer and we’ve entwined our lives even more.
And I know it’s coming. I hate that, I hate that I know, I hate that I’m already sad about something that hasn’t happened yet. I can’t stop thinking about how much it’s going to hurt, all the things I’m going to miss. I want to make the most of every minute. But sometimes when he holds me close, the tears well up and I don’t want to let go.

And it hurts because there’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing he can do. It’s not like I can beg and plead and tell him how much I want him to stay and he’ll stay. He can’t. His visa is up and he has to leave. That’s the cruelty of a travelers life. Love is found then so forcefully taken away.
And it’s not like when you say goodbye to family because you know you’ll see them again. With a partner, you just don’t know. Maybe they don’t want to try long distance, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe our paths won’t cross again and the love we had will become nothing more than a beautiful memory.

So today I am sad. And tomorrow I probably will be too. But on top of that sadness, is a huge happiness that fills me up and makes me forget that love hurts and goodbyes are hard. Everything else can be dealt with.
But for now, I am in love.


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I just want to go home


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You know what I find hilarious? I thought Darren was everything I ever wanted in a man. Dark curls, green eyes, short and stocky with strong muscles, musical, actor.
Instead, I fell in love with a 6”6’ blue eyed giant who’s thinner than a rake, has blonde dreadlocks and can barely hold a note.
Funny how fate steps in.


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Anonymous asked: Things will get easier :) keep your chin up you will be reunited with your special someone true love always finds it's way back.

Thank you! I love him with all my heart and I’ve never doubted the fact that he loves me. It’s only a couple of months and I’ll see him again!

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You left today. It was so rushed at the airport but I think that made it better for me. It meant the goodbye wasn’t prolonged. Instead you kissed me so hard and held your mouth to mine for longer than usual. Then I whispered ‘I love you’ and you said ‘I love you too’. No matter what happens, I’ll always remember the sad but serious look in your eyes, the smile almost dancing on your face and the way you said those words. 

I miss you so much already. You’re everywhere I turn. You’re in Cougar Pete’s, you’re in the couches in the lobby, you’re in the teddy bear I have in my arms. You’re in the movies on my laptop and in the drink bottle on the table.

I want to remember everything. The way your hand feels in mine, the way your body feels pressed against mine when we watch a movie. The way you feel wrapped around me when I’m little spoon and the way you feel in my arms when I’m big spoon. I want to remember how your lips feel against mine and the way our bodies learned to connect so perfectly.
I want to remember the look in your eyes when you looked at me and the sound of your laugh. I want to remember laughing in the shower while we splashed water in each others faces. I want to remember your smile and your funny little phrases.
I want to remember the way your face lit up whenever I came home. I want to remember the way you called me your gorgeous girl.

I’m going to spend every second of every day missing you until I see you again.
I love you, Alex Kenny.


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Anonymous asked: Do you regret having sex with 14 people?

Not at all. That year was a huge learning curve for me and sex was part of that learning. I don’t have any plans to go out and sleep with a whole bunch of people anymore. The only guy I need is Alex.

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I’m so afraid of our impending goodbye. I’m so scared of how much it’s going to hurt to have to look you in the eyes one last time, feel yours arms wrapped around me and feel your lips on mine and know that I’m going to have to remember that forever, because I won’t get to feel it again.

I’m trying to be positive, I’m trying to focus only on the good times because there are so so many. But right now all I can think about are the things I’m going to miss.
I’m going to miss coming home from work and having you waiting for me. I’m going to miss being woken up at 3am when you get home from work. I’m going to miss being totally wrapped up in your arms while I sleep.
I’m going to miss being your big spoon.
I’m going to miss watching movies all night and eating chocolate at 1am because you had a craving.
I’m going to miss the feeling of your hand in mine.

I’m just going to miss you.

Because I love you. I love you so fucking much, I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel it in my bones, in my veins, from my finger tips to my toes. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved and I love you differently.
I don’t love you because you’re family, I don’t love you because you saved me or because you fulfilled a broken teenage fantasy of a boy sweeping the girl off her feet.
I love you because you’re obsessed with Lions. I love you because you always ask me what my news is. I love you because you’re a hippy with dreads and a peace sign tattoo. I love you for a thousand silly reasons. And I love you because you love me.

I love you, Alex Kenny.


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Anonymous asked: Do you smoke weed often? Or have you just done it once?

I’ve done it a couple of times but I isn’t a huge attraction for me. Which is kind of strange considering my boyfriend smokes a lot of weed.

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